The World's Only
Predictions for 2005
Excerpt from The Mid-North Monitor
Wednesday, December 29, 2004 Edition
Spanish Joe predicts new resources for the North
Clairvoyant groundhog predicts Canadian load dropped on Iraq
By HELEN MORLEY
Special to the Monitor
Spanish Joe, the world's only clairvoyant groundhog, says 2005 will be
the year for Canadians to celebrate. His other-world predictions come
courtesy of his handler Rick Story of Spanish. Story does not hesitate
to say that Spanish Joe is much more accurate than any of the other
"amateur" groundhogs and he will stand by the little rodent's
Joe predicts that it will be a profitable year for most of Northern
Ontario with the finding that bear droppings have an unusually high
concentration of methane. "With the search for new fuel sources an ever
present task, it will be cheaper to process the bruin biscuits than
chicken manure, and it will prove to be of considerable use as an
all-natural source of fuel." He predicts that there will be a major job
boost in the area as local people flock to participate in this unusual
job opportunity. The only problem he can foresee will be in the
collecting of this new fuel since bears are not known to be the most
co-operative of beasts. He also mentions that the Ministry of Natural
Resources will issue a whole new set of directions for dealing with the
bears, which most people will cheerfully ignore.
Spanish Joe says the people hired to follow the bears around to collect
their droppings will be told they will have to provide their own
equipment, 'pooper scoopers'. Joe adds "as there are an abundance of
bears in Northern Ontario finding them and collecting the droppings will
not prove difficult. However, bears being intelligent creatures will
notice the increased human traffic in the bush and become nervous. Just
when the North is prepared to become rich from the bear by-product, the
bears will spook and there will be a huge migration of bears south as a
This will put a damper on the new fuel for the North until the bears are
persuaded to return home, but Joe predicts that an alternate source of
revenue will be found when a new recreational drug will also be
discovered in the north. "Cross pollination between a government
authorized marijuana grow and Ground Hemlock will result in a new plant
called 'Ground Hemplock'. It will have its own rather potent medicinal
qualities." He goes on to say, "Big Jim Doobie, president of the
Northern Ontario Tree Smokers Association, will advocate the daily use
of this new northern herb saying, 'smoke one of our trees per day, and
all of your cares will float away'."
A related prediction from Spanish Joe is, "a logger, out hunting for his
own private stash, will uncover what appear to be human remains north of
Massey." He goes on to add that authorities will investigate with the
assistance of the Ontario Museum of Natural History and will end up
identifying the remains as those of a previously unknown species of
early man. They will promptly christen it 'Manis-Massins-Erectos'.
Locals in the area will be unimpressed with the scientific findings
saying, "You know, there have been strange humans sighted in these woods
for over the past century."
Speaking of weird happenings, Spanish Joe predicts that by some strange
trick of fate Canada will get directly involved in the Iraqi conflict
when Toronto's garbage is mistakenly dropped on that country. "The
garbage, destined for Michigan, will get sidetracked and end up at an
air force base. Not quite knowing what they are dealing with but
assuming it is some kind of new weapon, maintenance workers will load it
on a bomber headed for Iraq. The Iraqi insurgents will think they are
being bombarded by a toxic substance and will unilaterally surrender.
The Americans will of course take credit for this brilliant and daring
Joe says any predictions for the near year would be incomplete without
mentioning politics. His final prediction is "since members of
parliament have a habit of getting into trouble, a new law will be
enacted prohibiting them from associating with those viewed as
undesirable companions, such as strippers, hookers, bikers, the mafia
and other members of parliament." He adds, "I have to get back to some
serious partying, so I will close by wishing you all a Happy New Year.
Excerpt from The Standard
Wednesday, December 22, 2004 Edition
A groundhog with stories to tell
By Rosalind Raby
Spanish Joe is a groundhog that has many stories to tell. He resides
with his spiritual medium, Rick Story, in downtown Spanish. Story
recalls how Joe became a part of his family. "Joe lived quite happily in
the Ottawa Valley until one sad day when he was run over by a Green
peace protest bus," says Story. "Shortly afterwards, Joe was put under
my care. "In short order it became apparent that Joe was a little
different than other groundhogs.
"He has a direct link to the spiritual world and is able to pass on
messages from there, which I interpret." Joe also makes some pretty
interesting predictions. That has led to some stardom and plenty of
media attention. "We thought The Standard's readers might be interested
in seeing what Joe has to say for the upcoming year." "We know the City
of Elliot Lake has certainly had an interesting year, from all accounts
in the paper, so Joe believes the city might see some issues resolved in
the New Year." EDITOR'S NOTE: Spanish Joe's predictions should be taken
with a box, not just a grain of salt.
Spanish Joe predicts:
- New cottage lots will create lots of
new problems for 2005.
- Noise complaints from our wealthy
'new' landowners results in snowmobile, ATV and outboard motor use in
these areas being banned.
- Taxes in Elliot Lake will also
dramatically increase as the new landowners demand paved roads, since
the dust makes their BMWs dirty and the installation of street lights
because it is too dark at night.
- Animal control will also be greatly
enlarged as our new landowners discover the woods are full of animals
that clash with their perception of the wilderness.
- They also demand an outpost OPP
Station in the new cottage lot area.
- A North Shore inventor will solve
smoking bylaw problems in bars and restaurants. A device similar to
Maxwell Smart's 'Dome of Silence' crossed with a deep-sea diver's
helmet and oxygen tanks will be mandatory for non-smokers to wear
while in these establishments. Opposition and new smoking bylaws soon
"This might seem like a lot of smoke and mirrors to some people, but Joe
can be pretty reliable. "He's gone into his seasonal hiatus now, so we
won't be able to get much out of him till he wakes up in the spring.
"We'll just have to put our trust in his abilities.
"He also wants to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, so
the best of the Holidays to all," concludes Story.